Your Responses If you would like to share your thoughts, please send me an e-mail and indicate if I may share your response. chad@chadupham.com Click Crystal Meth to view www.chadupham.com/crystalmeth.

John 8/21/06 Subject: Chad you are right-on man Words are failing right now, but I was compelled to send you a note Chad. We are a lot alike. Blessings and success brother. In faith, hope, and Love, John Little Rock, AR ioo% clean since jan i o6

Zak, Arizona 8/20/06 Chad- Thank you for doing what you have done to get past and leave behind the use of crystal meth. I have a lot of admiration and respect for what you did and wish I had the strength to do what you have done. I used crystal meth in all forms and methods for 6 years, and saw myself flush my life down the toilet. I quit by myself for 14 months, unfortunately I fell back into this destructive behavior again. I have been using again for 10 months, and see the same patterns developing. I am tired of making excuses and ok'ing my behavior and have stepped back into the sober world. I am on 13 of being sober. I have lost my happiness, my friends, and my purpose and drive, and on the road to sobriety, I am going get these things back. As a gay man myself, I have had my own struggles in life, and have determined that I deserve more that what I am giving myself credit for. I WILL BE HAPPY AND SOBER AGAIN, AND DESERVE TO LIVE A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE. Thank you again- Zak Arizona

Dave 8/2/06 Hey Chad, My name is Dave. I just checked out your webpage, which was sent to me by a good friend who you work with. Congratulations. Very inspiring. It's easy to forget how out of control things can get when you don't actually look at what you're doing day by day. Seeing your countdown/up was in itself a very good way to put things into perspective. Keep up the good work. Take care. Dave

John, Minneapolis 7/26/06 Chad, My partner directed me to your website, ironically on the day you decided to wrap your online saga. 9 months into my own recovery, I know this journey personally. Your willingness to make it public has clearly given many people, especially gay men hope. I had no idea before I first tried it, the power and control it can have on one's mind, body and spirit. After using the first time, I thought this drug was designed especially for me, nothing ever like it came close. Sex was mind blowing and I felt so invincible and amazingly sexy. Having experimented with other substances earlier in life, I thought it was impossible for me to become addicted especially in my mid 40's. I thought I could handle it. I could not have been so wrong. I am one of those statistics as I learned 4 years into my use that I became HIV+. This was my 'bottom'. The news devastated me. As strange as this sounds though, it was my salvation. It forced me to finally admit that I had a huge problem and that it was not going to go away by itself. A passing phase, no. A weekend thing, no. Addict, yes! I finally was able to say enough. Enough of the obsession to use. Enough of the obsession for 'ever outer limits' sex. Enough of the days upon days of online hunting for new PNP brothers. Enough of the terrible downers when I would try to 're-center' myself. Enough of the emotional lability. Enough of the lies. I share your and others notion that the visible face of gay men in the media and in the public domain has not been open and willing to talk about this scourge. I never, never talked about this with any of my non using friends until I started my recovery. There are lots of reasons that we don't speak about it. But as you point out our silence allows the continued devastation with in the gay community. I was told before I quit by other users that it is impossible to quit once you get into it. Well there are many of us here to tell them and anyone else willing to listen that just is not true. Honestly I still struggle at times with my recovery, but without question life is better without Meth than it was while I was using. Life has never been better. Living honestly and openly has no equal. Congratulations on your one year mark. I look forward to that someday but being clean and sober today is just fine for now. Peace to you. John Minneapolis

Anonymous 7/18/06 Dear Chad, I have never been so proud of someone and myself....Ive followed your progress for several months now and it has given me the strength and power to further my quest...we quit on the same day...I admit i copied your T-shirt design and i wear it proudly and we may never meet but Im with you 100%...happy 1 year to u....if time allows keep in contact....thank you...thank you....thank you!!!!!

Ti, Portland OR 7/3/06 Chad, please do not take this the wrong way.but I don,t care if you got of meth.The reason I say this is that in feb of 2004 I lost my dad to a young man that was high on this stuff and was running from the cops.My dad ran into this guy who was hiding in his house.My mom and sister and I know longer have him around. what will it take till every one gets the message. Please would some one tell me that.? Ti

Tom 7/3/06 Your website is very inspirational. Thank you for making such a public statement. I am on day 50 clean in NYC after using for 90 days on a regular basis. Please stay strong! Tom

7/2/06 Dear Chad: Just found your site. Wish I had seen you on 17th Street a year ago ---- it's hard to know, but it might have saved me from another 9 months of crystal meth use. As it was though, I continued my addiction to crystal meth (and manhunt) through the winter and spring. April 1st (ironically, April Fools Day) was the last time I used crystal. So, I'm on day 91 as of today. Unfortunately, I didn't stop soon enough. On April 20, I found out that I was HIV+. After years of testing negative, I attribute my sero-conversion directly to the use of crystal meth. So, I'm writing to you today to let you know that your story has helped me in another way. I spent most of last night and part of today perusing profiles on manhunt and talking to guys that were pnp-ing. Even after 90 days, it's scary to realize that the temptation is still there. Even after finding out about my positive status, I still allowed myself to think about putting my health at further risk by partying. It truly is a scary drug. But I will say that your site and your story has inspired me (for now) to move forward and keep my distance from crystal. Who knows what will happen in the next 90 days. I can just take it one day at a time. It's so difficult though when it's the weekend, and I'm sitting home alone at midnight. That's when the temptation hits the hardest. I know you know that feeling. I just wanted to share with you some of my thoughts. You know that it's quite ironic that I found your site through manhunt. There was a banner add called gaymeth.org, and I found your site from there. You know, I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe that God does reach out to us in the strangest of ways. I'm glad that I clicked on that banner today. Take care and best of luck to you. I'm glad that you were smart enough to make a bold move when you did. You probably saved your life by doing so. Yours truly, Z.

Rod, Fort Lauderdale, FL 6/29/06 Dear Chad, I stumbled upon your site today and am blown away and quite emotional. I tried Tina 2 times, hated the coming down... and swore never to do it again. My buddies who gave me my taste have continued to use. Needless to say, even though I have tried to be compassionate and offer myself to these two guys - they continue to use. You are one hell of a guy to do the site, and to stay clean and sober. Perhaps you should do a shirt or a poster that says "Clean, Sober ... and Rod thinks I am HOT!!!'. You are Hot - physically and energy wise. Keep spreading your positive energy and experiences. You are making a HUGE DIFFERENCE. Thanks Rod

John 6/29/06 Great work! Love and peace to you. Never touched that shit and I am SICK of it being everywhere I go. I'm getting invloved, it has to stop. Pulled a 22 year old out of party, I just couldn't let it happen. That pipe comes out and I spilt, fuck it, I'm just not cool... The kid told me I was the only gay man he met that cared. Made my year! You're a brave man. Thanks, John P

Brian, Atlanta 6/23/06 Hi Chad- What a powerful site! Thanks for sharing your daily journey with us. The use of photography to tell your story was really unique and made your story even more remarkable. Crystal Meth is a major problem down here in Atlanta. Our treatment centers are filling up, CMA meetings continue to expand, and new HIV infection rates, once decreasing for 4 straight years, have now started to go back up. We couldn't sit back any longer and watch this drug destroy many in our community. We started a community based organization called the Atlanta Meth Task Force and have been able to provide some education/prevention work locally. The response has been positive, as most people say they are glad that something is being done to address this problem. We have several things planned for pride this weekend.... we have ran ads in the local gay rags, will make a 5 minute announcement on stage this Saturday, and have designed a meth=death campaign where we are carrying coffins in Sunday's parade. Should be interesting. Keep up the wonderful work! Brian

Troy 6/23/06 Hey Chad, Enjoyed your write up in the Metro Weekly earlier this month. I commend you on what you're doing for yourself and our community. I've seen too many friends, acquaintances, and clients fall victim to meth and other social drugs found within the gay social scene. I've always been surrounded by it, very difficult to resist, but I can say that I've never tried any of the "party-favors". I told my friends that I just thought alcohol was enough for me. Friends know I don't judge them for it, so I continue to see it in various social environments and understand the culture well. Anyway, if there is any way to help the cause...please let me know. I have extensive experience in group, individual, and couple's counseling as well as in conducting trainings and presentations. cheers, Troy

Kat 6/19/06 Chad, I found your website through the Manifesto site from Crystal Meth Working Group. www.gaymeth.org Just wanted to say congratulations,,,I know its hard. You have guts to put your journey on line…I love it. You are a beautiful man to do so. Happy Pride !! Kat Coric AIDS Activist INSTIGATOR

Joshua 6/7/06 Chad: I am so happy someone's writing about a gay life that is not totally absorbed in the never-satisfied, never-ending chase for more bliss, more sex, more chemicals.......... I also have been in the situation you've described in this essay; the drug-binge weekends, the endless internet searches for flesh, etc. I'm confident that there are many like us who've found that that life is not what it's cracked up to be. Unfortunately, the youngest gay men haven't many ways of avoiding getting sucked up into this lifestyle, because I think it does appear to be so attractive, at least in the beginning. Anyway, thank you for taking it upon yourself to show that there are guys out there who have escaped the seemingly endless cycle of meth addiction. It's important for gay men out there to know that there are those who've obtained a real happiness after all the highs and lows inherent in that drug-fueled lifestyle. Joshua

Rob 6/4/06 Hi Chad! I just came upon your site through Metro Weekly. Congratulations on your decisions and recovery. I have also experienced some of the things that you have experienced...the circuit scene, the binge weekends and the endless online searches for the next adventure. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as you were with HIV. I was infected in 2004 and that was my wake-up call. Haven't used since then. I'm on HIV meds and doing well...have been so busy with my work that I don't even think about HIV very often...I, like you, always thought, "there are pills". I have been fortunate and haven't had any problems with the meds...my biggest problem with being positive is being positive. The stigma is incredible. My sex life has been nearly non-existent since my infection because I know that I need to disclose my status before sex. Its easier to avoid sex than it is to disclose my status. Good luck, Rob

Fred 6/4/06 I just finished reading your article that was published in the MW and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Like you, I too went through some hardtimes after a 15 year relationship. It took me a year to finally wake up and realized that nobody is going to help me but myself. I took the necessary steps, started therapy, group therapy and I have been sober for 2 and half years and feel great. I see how this drug is killing our community and I commend you for sharing your personal life experience in this type of medium. I hope many people that have this addiction will read your article and wake up and decide what is more important, their health, family, career or their addiction. Regards, Fred

Joel 6/4/06 Just read your essay in Metro Weekly. You have guts, and you're doing something very important for the community. Congrats, keep up the work, and keep up the courage. best, Joel Washington, DC

Philip 6/2/06 Thanks for the article in metro weekly and for your activism against this extremely additive drug. While I have never done it, I have gone through my own circuit club scene. I had some great times, but even before my HIV status disclosure last year, I began the slow realization that I was not enjoying myself in the circuit scene as much as I did the first couple of years. I have been in a spiritual quest for over 15 years. I also had a religious upbringing. It has been a slow evolution, and I am still discovering this path, but it has been intensified over the past year. I am realizing that the ultimate adventure is in the individual inner quest of knowing oneself (which is really the same as getting to know everyone else, we are all the same, ultimately). Realizing the power of our own minds, and how there is a vast iceberg of subconscious/unconscious choices, that "control" us, unless we are willing to look at our own fears and hidden choices. Well, I am probably sounding like some esoteric fool. Again, the purpose of this e-mail is thanking you for "coming out" as a meth addict, and even though I am not addicted to it, I have my own forms of addction to fear, as the majority of people on this earth. love, Philip

Betsi ] 6/2/06 Congrats to you. I read your story through Metro - and on your site... I think that it is awesome what you are doing. Thanks for getting your story out there. Betsi

Josh ] 3/25/06 chad, Hi i was browsing through the net and ran across ur sight. I want you to know that i was on the stuff for 4 years tweeking day and night. but abouth 3 months ago i was busted for possetion. So now here I sit out on bond and on the 20th of April.I have to plea guilty to the charge and spend 18 months of my life in the county jail I say down with the dope because if it don't kill you it can still take your life away Josh

Kristen ] 1/18/06 chad, somehow i ended up on your website, after reading articles that pointed me to you. it's an interesting story. i spent 3 years in southern CA, 2 of them in Arcadia, attending Arcadia HS. after attending school there for a couple of months, i tried crystal meth, and ended up spending my lunch money on it for the next six months. i was able to snap myself out of it, but a lot of kids weren't. the meth use at that school is ridiculous. it's something from a movie that doesn't exist and isn't being made. you walk into the girl's bathroom and everyone is doing lines. anyhow, congratulations on your sobriety and for pointing the finger at rampant meth use. it's gross. kristen Note from Chad: I grew up in Arcadia, CA, but attended private schools. Until now, I was not aware of the degree of use by high school students that Kristen describes. This is particularly striking, since Arcadia H.S. is the school I would have attended had I gone to public schools, though I'm sure things have escalated since I graduated in 1995, at least with meth use. My mom continues to work in the emergency room at the hospital across the street from the high school.

Ganny ] 1/15/06 Hi, Just wanted to say that I am pulling and praying for you to beat Crystal Meth. I didn't know anything about crystal meth until my daughter married into a family that had been on the drug and shared it with her. (Yea, I'm talking her boyfriends and his mom and dad!) They are still on it. There life is a non stop soap opera. They never have anything and always have problems. One thing that doesn't get talked about enough is the effects of crystal meth on unborn fetuses. I am raising a severely handicaped grandson and we know for a fact that meth used by his mom during pregnancy (she didnt know she was pregnant and used during the first trimester) is what damaged my precious grandson. I wish I could tell the world but right now I just want to protect his privacy and love him because he's already outlived his life expectancy at almost four years old.... Please remember my grandson if you ever consider taking another hit of Meth. My grandson can't walk, talk, crawl or sit up and he is blind he didn't ask to be born this way. He has uncontrolled siezures and will be getting a feeding tube in two weeks because the seizure have left him unable to eat enough to keep him from losing weight. He has beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. He is my heart and soul. Be thankful that you are not disable and you have a perfectly formed brain to make the decision not to use again. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Friend ] 1/12/06 well hopes for the new year.. where do i begin? firts to not drink and drive..not only this year but never again. finish all the crap that i have to do ordered by the court. get my license straight and get my car back...i miss my baby, the sad thinig is that i just got it a couple months ago..hopefully move,, but since im on probation,, we will c..and just enjoy my life..keep it stress free, well try to and to go back to the gym and feel healthy again..ive gained a little too many pounds,, im not fat or anything just not my normal,, and if possible go back to school and finish...well thats #1 in my list...oohh and to be strong and not drink as much..i have learned to control that and to actually not drink at all...and with drugs just to not do them..well i really didnt have a problemm it was the people i was around,,thats all they did when they went out so i just went along,....but im good now.. im not gonna lie and say i will never get drunk or not do any drugs this year.. but so far thats the last thing on my mind..well nite and u too have a nice weekend...later LONG STORY short.. try to forget last year it was the WORSE year of my life..so far..

Kim ] 1/11/06 I just saw your web page. I am very glad you stood up for this. I am divorced as a result of meth. My ex husband has gone off the deep end. His friends are involved in a murder case because of the drug. I have 2 small children and I don’t want them to end up the way he has. We were together for 15 years and he started sleeping with people for the drug. He is at the stage of either you get help or you die. Thanks for what you are doing. You are very brave for taking a stand against “the Devils Drug”.

Friend ] 1/9/06 Hi Chad, I came across your website after reading this week's MetroWeekly 2005 year in review article about the dc community's initiatives to bring greater awareness about the dangers of Tina. I want to let you know how much I admire your courage and recognizing the need to change your own life. From reading your story, I have realized that I need to make real changes in my life -- first by admitting I have an addiction problem and then seeking out resources to help me overcome this problem. I am contemplating attending one of the weekly meetings offered by the Triangle Club. Can you provide me with more information about the format of these meetings? Do I need to actively participate? Also, could I just sit and observe the first couple of meetings without needing to tell others about myself? I am on the shy side, but I am also nervous about letting others know about my own situation right away. Thanks in advance for your help.

Todd ] 1/8/06 Hey Chad You may remember me from a few months ago (9/6) when I wrote about my lover and how his experience with tina had affected me. Honestly, I had not checked your site in several months as when you stopped writing … I stopped reading. I am very glad to see that you are still doing well. I know that it is a constant work for you as triggers can happen when you least expect it. As for me and my situation, my partner has been clean for the last 2.5 months. It took him almost dying in the ER and a 2 week hospital stay to finally decide that Tina was not his friend. I guess it all occurred just in time as I was well on my way to ending our long term relationship. I know the last few months have been difficult for him as I can see him fighting the urge to run back to using. But I also see these times coming less frequently. I takes constant vigilance and focus on his part. Anyway, I won’t ramble on. I just wanted to offer words of encouragement for your path and what you have done over the last year. If you ever want to meet for dinner, let me know. We would love to have you over. Todd

Joey ] 12/17/05 hi chad. i came upon your site when i googled meth earlier. i am currently in my third week into my second relapse; daily smoking tina. i've lost some weight, but i do force myself to eat at least twice a day and get some sleep/nap. I have to be careful that I don't show any telling signs to my family and friends. at this point, I don't think i want to stop anymore. i have lost my will to stay sober; as well as my hope to do good. That being said, reading about you does give me joy. You have chosen to live, and have given up something so few of us cannot. that shows character of strength, a rarity in generation that die young. be good, joey

Ridor ] 11/13/05 I think you should know that I, along with many others, made it a policy not to show any compassion for people who abused crystal meth -- many of us were burnt by their antics. What you did was brave only for YOUR own self! I'm sorry but I'm not going to pity or cheer you for your tribulations and triumphants. It is travesty that ADVOCATE recently had a cover issue based on very gorgeous boy who is addicted to Crystal Meth. Do you truly think they will stop using crystal meth after seeing this guy? Boo hoo if you did a lot of things in your life but one night, you crashed -- is it my problem? Should I or others have a compassion for your flaws? It is your problem. You contracted something, not my problem. In fact, you asked for it. I may sound very harsh but the truth is that I was burn out with these antics of others to a point where I am finished with anyone's excuses, including yours. I wish you the best but like others, I disregard their courage. Unless you prove me otherwise, I'll stick to my beliefs. Ricky -- The One and Only Ridor Check www.ridor.blogspot.com -- be very afraid.

Bill C. ] 11/9/05 Dear Chad, I read your story in the Health Section yesterday. Today I was snooping around Friendster, and in the off chance you were a member, I did a user search. In any case, I really, really want to wish you only the best in your recovery and beyond. I thankfully have never personally been in that dark world, but several of my friends are or have been. From listening to them, it seems it can be terrifying and tempting at the same time. One dear friend says certain things he watche on TV are even a trigger for him ... the sweating begins, etc. And he's been off the stuff for more than a year. So many times (and this may not be your experience) handsome and otherwise intelligent men become involved in that world to fit in. The guys I know seem to feel that is the only world that truly accepts them. I have tried to show them that that is not true. But I don't want to sound like a preacher. :-) In any case, I wish you well. Do know there a plenty of guys out there who don't use, who are happy, and who have fun. Take care of yourself, Bill C.

Classmate ] 11/8/05 Chad, Thanks so much for sharing that. Keep up the good work both in recovery and in increasing awareness of this dangerously pervasive drug. As a social worker in LA County, I can say that the majority of drug related cases are methamphetamine and crack cocaine. Since I have been with the department (5 years), I have seen methamphetamine cases rise significantly. We now have more meth cases than crack cases and it used to be that the opposite was true. This drug is scary because it seems to be taking over communities indescriminately one at a time. You go, Chad! Malissa

Mom ] 11/8/05 Hi again Just woke up from my nap from working all night and looked at the article again---it really is wonderful you can help get the message out about meth--I took care of a lady the other night that didn't stop early enough. it is a nasty drug--i am glad that you can be used to help others, but am especially happy for your sake. I want God's best for you. What is the response you are getting to the article? love me

Lucille ] 11/8/05 Dear Chad, I'm in Maryland taking care of my sister in cancer treatment and I opened the health section of the Washington Post today to find your picture! Well done!!! You have amazing strength, courage and humility that sets a beautiful example of positive transformation. I am so impressed with your dedication to art activism and passion to raise awareness through healthy thought provoking campaigns and performance art :) Keep up the great work and see ya soon. Cheers, Lucille

Bryce ] 11/8/05 just read the article in the post re meth and wanted to say that your story is very inspiring....keep up the good work! :-) ~Bryce

Carter ] 11/8/05 I am not sure if you are the guy from the Washington Post article today, but if you are I wanted to applaud you for telling your story. I just finished reading the book, "Tweekers: How Crystal Meth is Ravaging Gay America." It was a very eye-opening read. I hope things are going well for you. If you ever want to hang out or just chat let me know. Carter :)

Kevin ] 11/8/05 Hey Chad, I just wanted to drop you a line even though we don't know each other because I read the article "Meth Comes Out of the Closet" in today's Post, which profiled you and I wanted to say that I think that what you've done with stopping your addiciton to crystal meth and using your experience to galvanize others to speak out about their addiction is awesome. Although I have not suffered from any addictions personally, I have seen what addictions can do firsthand in my immediate family, so I wanted to tell you that you are a very special person for taking your challenge and turning into social action. There aren't many people who would do that. I looked you up on friendster and then visited to your web page, which I was happy to see had updates on your progress, so I was able to see your latest thoughts and your pics watching the USC game. Congratulations on your accomplishments so far. I think that you have a lot to look forward to for your upcoming high school reunion. Sincerely, Kevin Shapiro (former DC resident 1996-2001, current LA resident 2002-present)

Friend ] 11/8/05 well good for u..90 days..thats a long time..u should do fine with your drinking...u will..well as for my lovely weekend all u do is watch tv and sleep....thats it..it wasnt as bad as i imagined it to be..but im doing good havent done anything in like a month and dont feel like it and the last thing i wanna do is drink...yuk...but i never thought i would b saying this..DONT DRINk AND DRIVE..not only is expensive but it fucks up your life..is apain but im happy im done with court. I was really stressed out and VERY depressed but im coming back...i really dont have a problem with dringking just that i never thought drunk driving was a problem..believe me i saw the light..plus the only night i drink is on saturday and some thursdays..well i am working on it..but everything is coming back to normal..thank god...well hope to hang out with u soon..since u are a busy muchacho..and im soo busy til the first weekend in december...well later chad....talk soon....(funny.funny)

Mom ] 11/8/05 Hi there Thanks for forwarding this to me... I can't imagine having my picture in the paper! You certainly have made a big splash! I wanted to write you and see how you were doing about renewing your resolve to stay clean after Nov 7th. This probably helps give more incentive!! You have the whole city watching and hopefully encouraging you..... I love you Chad and am praying for you. I am excited to see you next week! love me

Sister-in-law ] 11/8/05 Just grabbed my copy of the Post. Shoot…good article, GREAT picture, didn’t mention your website, but I bet you’ll have a few hits via google today! Glad we voted together today. Love ya, Sis

Friend ] 11/8/05 Chad -- Great article in the Post. Keep up the good work. You're doing the next right thing. . . working the program, staying clean. Believe me, the desire to use does diminish. Yeah, it comes back sometimes . . . but not with the vengeance I experienced at first. Where I am now -- while sometimes difficult -- is so much better than where I was then. Love ya, guy.

Friend ] 11/8/05 good story - just read it ...91 days....That person is not you...very proud of you...Keep standing tall and strong. You're rediscovering who YOU are without being tainted. Be you! You is good. You is special. You is important. You is proud.

High School / Church Friend ] 10/8/05 Dear Chad, My dad mentioned your website to me, not because I use crystal meth but because of the bond my parents have created with your mom over the past year or so. I took a look and I have to say that I am impressed, in awe, and proud of you. I also feel this strange bond to you---mainly due to our upbringing and the fact that our paths crossed so often in our younger years---oh and right, we're both gay. Haha! My coming out to my parents two years ago prompted a quick support group (mainly for my parents) including your mother and the new found knowledge that I wasn't the only kid who attended Maranatha who was gay. I have to say that I was really surprised when my mom told me you were gay too, she presented it in a manner that made me realize that I wasnt alone and that maybe someone else had gone through the same things I had. This summer I've found that there are quiet a few of us that are gay and who were raised in the same cirlces of churches, elementary schools, and Maranatha. If you're ever in the area say hi sometime. Keep me posted on your "Let's Talk" campaign, I've got contacts for the LGBT centers at Long Beach State, Cal State Fullerton, and the OC center. I'm sure they'd love information to pass along to memebers. Oh and if you've got any of those shirts coming out soon, let me know I'd be happy to support your cause. I also wanted to tell you that I've gotten a chance to know your mom and shes an amazing woman. She's so caring and genuinely wants to know how my life is going---shes even made me promise to keep her posted on my relationship status. Shes also been a great support to my parents who are getting used to my lifestyle or well learning to live with it. Best wishes! ~Tory

Lyla, Singapore ] 10/7/05 hey chad. ran into your name on the artcenter alumni updates. so i clicked. and found your site. knew you for the first time at this old lady's house, Maureen Georgiades. we were formally introduced. i think at that time you stopped by her house and i just happened to be in one of her gatherings. heard from her that you were good, she knew i wanted to go to art center. i did. graduated in 2003. now working in singapore for red cell now. anyhow. i'm intrigued. compelled. encouraged. curious about what's gonna happen at the end of your 90 days. thank you for the step you made. you are truly enlightening. cheers, lyla

Rebecca, Classmate at ArtCenter ] 10/6/05 hi chad. long time no see (since art center graduation, I think). I saw your website, and I think that what you've been doing is really amazing. I'm proud of you. Are you living in DC or SF. I can't tell. I'm in San Francisco, so if you ever want to meet up for dinner or hang out sometime, let me know. By the way, I changed my name from Rebecca Faith Au to Rebecca Au Williams when I got married last year. I hope we can catch up sometime. Take care till then. Stay strong. : ) -Rebecca

A New Friend ] 10/5/05 Dear Chad - You don't know me, but I used to work at your company. I forget how I stumbled across your website, but I have become a regular checker of your progress. I feel strangely compelled by your story and I am so proud of your efforts - your efforts to make your own life better and to reach out to others. Your actions have made the subject less taboo. Keeping the subject and the dialogue 'out in the open' is the only way to make progress. I don't know anyone who uses crystal meth (at least, I don't know that I know anyone), but I have certainly seen all the Newsweek articles, Dateline specials, etc. To me, you put a 'face' on the struggle, soecifically with meth, but also with the highs that all of us try to achieve in our lives - be it with alcohol, food, sex, extreme sports, caffeine, church, work-a-holics, etc. Your updates have gotten me thinking about my own compulsions. It's funny how the brain can obsess about certain things. Like alcohol, for example. I have started dating a guy (a big event in my life - I'm pretty shy when it comes to all of this). Anyhow, many of our dates have involved alcohol. Not all of them have (and never to excess, yet), but it has made me start to examine the role of alcohol in my social life and if I "need" it in order to express my true feelings. I try to be cogizant of it, without starting to obsess about it (I find that being deprived of something only make me want it more!). Thank you for allowing me to relate on some level. Best wishes, A.

Kelli Currie, Washington state ] 10/3/05 Chad It will take me some time to dig through the emails you posted, so articulate that each sentence captures quite a bit and will take some additional digestion. That said, I am really interested in reading the entire thread, if you're willing to share. Sustainability is a huge issue, as is meth use. Politically and personally. I'll admit to not being anywhere near "expert" on this topic, but it seems that at a very basic level, meth affects our environment every day. In Washington state, there is huge meth production. In fact, just this week a law went into effect that requires individuals to show identification when purchasing products required in meth production, and limits those purchases to two at a time. On January 1st, the law will require consumers to sign a log book when purchasing. There are obvious "big brother" issues there, but we'll bypass those for now. In the production of meth, several hazerdous chemicals are used and produced. These chemicals not only find their way into the immediate air, but into drains, etc. On a larger production scale, if there are meth labs popping up as quickly as we hear, this means that the global and environmental implications could be huge in the long-term. Good luck with your classes. Oh, and I've been meaning to tell you that you're more than welcome to use any of my emails on your website, however you wish. Good discussion, keep it coming. Keep on keepin' on. You can do this. I expect to celebrate with you (in spirit, of course) on my Birthday, Nov. 7th. cheers, Kelli

ArtCenter Foundation Relations Officer ] 9/28/05 Dear Chad, I was going to write to ask your permission to include you in a report to the [ArtCenter Scholarship Foundation] – kind of an update of the one I did two years ago, just after you graduated from Art Center. I remember how much I liked your site so I went through it to link to your email, and was, of course, immediately drawn into your story and the real and intensely honest, no holds barred way you write about your life and your long, sometimes excruciating (and ongoing) road out of addiction. Having inhabited a not entirely dissimilar world and story in my twenties, though years before yours, I was really struck by your insights, and hope you know what a gift your telling and your actions are to people who want to come clean, speak the truth, and stop dying. I’m certain you already know that your creative energy participates in all that’s out there – both harmful and beneficial – and that the life force you have inside, if you allow it, will keep you safe. It won’t stop the world or bad things – death especially, from coming at you, but you’ll be able to ride with it and not have it destroy you. Be well Chad. I offer you my encouragement, my gratitude, and my support.

Friend from High School ] 9/28/05 Hi Chad! When you ran into my brother at MHS’s homecoming, I bet you figured that either he forgot to pass on your URL to me or that I just didn’t care enough to write. Neither was true. I don’t know whether my brother told you about my situation, but I have become completely disabled by crippling migraines that don’t allow me to study or work, even part-time anymore. So I really can’t spend much time on the computer and have spent what time I have been able to spend either responding to emails from other friends or trying to find new audio books on Amazon or eBay. I’m not well enough to do much reading, although I do tend to read the national and California pages of the newspaper from cover to cover whenever I’m well enough, adding bits and pieces from the business, sports (my Giants are doing so badly this year that I hardly ever even want to glance at the bad news lately), and calendar section. So when I’m not sleeping, I listen to my audio books. .... So to the question of withdrawals. Four years ago, when I had to deal with a particularly nasty neurologist who actually encouraged me to commit suicide when the pain was too much to bear, I got sent to the headache specialist who is in charge of all of Southern California Kaiser’s headache care. Because I’ve been on well over 50 different drugs, including one that made me lose consciousness every time I stood up (one time I passed out while in the bathroom, and it took my mom 5 minutes to wake me up again), the doctor decided to try long-acting opiates. I tried a long-acting form of morphine, but morphine doesn’t really do much for me. That’s sad because most of the hospitals have thrown away their Demerol because it is more addictive, but it works better for me than morphine if I have to go in to the ER with a massive migraine. So then the doctor gave me a duragesic patch, which gives fentanyl through the skin. The only problem was that I absorbed the medicine in two days instead of three, so for the two months that it took me to get my doctor to prescribe me enough patches to change them every other day, I would get horribly sick with withdrawals every third day. But that didn’t do the trick either. Neither did oxycontin. I’m actually surprised at how popular it seems to be as a street drug when there are so many better things out there. The one that did was methadone, which is basically heroin in a pill. It actually allowed me to graduate with my M.A. I’d been forced to drop out for a semester because I wasn’t well enough to attend class. But then, after almost two years of being on it, I crashed, and I had to drop out of the TESOL (teaching English to speakers of other languages) online certificate program I was taking. And I haven’t been able to do anything productive since. Last summer, my headache doctor, who is a primary researcher of migraines, on the editorial board of the medical journal Headache, and is recognized as one of the very top in the field, told me that he had no more ideas how to help me. You can imagine how devastated that made me feel. But I got lucky. A new headache doctor from UC San Francisco just moved to Southern California, and I’ve been seeing her this past year. She is great! But the first thing she said was that I had to go off the methadone because it was probably saturating the receptors in my brain that any medications would attach to. She had me to try taper off it slowly, and I got from 60 mg a day to 35 before the pain got too bad for me to lower it any more. So she scheduled me to enter the hospital in May and go off cold-turkey. I was so very fortunate that the medicine she chose to try the month before actually helped me. It was only the third migraine medicine that had ever done me any good at all! It got me down to 17.5 mg, half my earlier limit! So a week ago today, I entered the hospital and quit the methadone. The hospital was a horror story in itself, especially for someone with migraines, what with all the extremely loud noises and being constantly wakened up when I really needed to sleep. But I was really blessed that my migraine didn’t skyrocket as I expected it to, and the withdrawals have been less than in the past. However, the thing that has been really driving me crazy is that my legs just can’t stay still. I think I’m taking at least 6 valium a day and had to email my doctor for more just to last me until I see her next Monday. I also have some problems with cold sweats, but not as badly as before. I just got out of the hospital on Friday night. Methadone is not an easy drug to quit all at once like that. But from what I’ve heard, meth is even harder. So congratulations! I’m proud of you! My own experience trying to get off methadone has given me a much greater empathy toward people coming off other drugs. After all, it’s basically as if I’ve been on heroin these last three years. The head pain is still problematic, and I can’t stay out of bed more than just a short while. So far, I’ve had to lie down once in the middle of writing this email, mainly because I am still rather a coward about giving myself shots. The problem with going off a narcotic for pain is that you can’t take a narcotic later when the pain gets bad. So I have to give myself shots of a drug called DHE, and I still have trouble mentally doing so, especially since although the needle jab itself doesn’t hurt, the drug hurts like hell as I have to push it in. I can’t even imagine how my mom handles giving it to herself twice a day! Well, the only silver lining to the cloud of not being able to take a narcotic pain reliever anymore is that I won’t have to deal with the ER doctors who refuse to give me 25 mg of morphine, even with a note from my doctor. That’s quite high for an average person, but not someone who lives in severe, chronic pain because each time you get more used to the dosage of the drug. ... Well, I guess I really should end this email here, as it has turned into a very long one. I’m a writer by nature and particularly love to write emails when I’m up to it. I did want to say one last thing though. I really appreciated your openness and frankness in what you wrote on your website. I didn’t read it all, but I did read enough to see that you have accomplished quite a bit. My personal struggles have been somewhat different than yours, but I still greatly identify with what you have read, particularly the cravings for things you know you shouldn’t have. To be honest, I’ve really struggled spiritually lately, particularly with frustration over why God would give me such great gifts and goals (I’m an extremely good teacher, as any of my students will tell you and would dearly love to continue studying for a Ph.D.) and then not let me use them.... But I do try to maintain what relationship with God that I can. And when I think about it, I’ll try to pray for you. I just looked back over the length of this email, and it’s really long. I hope you don’t mind. I’ll try to write again some other time.

David, Near NYC ] 9/18/05 Hi Chad. Thank you for your detailed "diary" you post. I just came across it and am grateful to have such honest personal account of the meth addiction and recovery process. I'm glad to see you are incorporating sports/working out and positive social activities into your daily routines, as that is my goal too and the only way I see I can truly and happilly manage/beat this addiction of ours. It really helped me tonight to find such a chronicalled account of another man's addiction and path toward recovery. It gives me great insight and hope that transends beyond the traditional "Meth Warnings" that post information but lack a true explanation/connection. Thank you. Tit for Tat: I'm David, a 23 year old college student living near NYC. I live with my mom and I'm finishing up my last semester in finance and economics. I've had three tremendous internships and have a great deal of positive things in my future. I also fear I have a lot to lose, as I've been struggling with a meth addiction for about 4 years now. I used about once every 3 months (3-6 day binges) for the first 1.5 years and then the periods of time got shorter (My usage has remained at about once a month (two day binges) for about two years now. I just went out last night after watching TV and surfing manhunt to a man's house I was not attracted to simply because they were close and "partied." I've done this before, but it just continues to be so disheartening because I keep thinking I've beat it. I'm worried about STD's so I don't do anything with the groups except wack off, suck dick/get sucked and watch porn (I'm the cute boring guy that is real horny but doesn't actually have intercourse...which is good I suppose, because it's kept me negative) In January 2005, I went to a straight outpatient support group for alchoholism and found constantly talking about addiction to be...well, depressing. It just made me want a beer. Beyond when I do meth, I am very fun and outgoing, and enthusiastic, although doubts and insecurities and vague emptiness continues to torment me. Grandeous delusions or ideals persist to drive me to a perfection I cannot seem to reach. I too lived in Los Angeles after I graduated high school and delved into the drug scene. ALthough, crystal was more a habit I picked up in New York. I'm off topic, but this helps...to talk. Hope my thoughts aren't bringing you down, as I suppose I would be easilly brought down by listening to others after such a long stride of success. Crystal paranoia, remember that? Good to stay away my friend. It's not fun. Because of your article I have found a renewed hope, a sense that I can beat this "highly addictive" drug that ruins lives. I am going to go to the center for their group crystal anonymous sessions. I just cancelled my manhunt membership (again) as I realize those sexual liasons do not match the life I desire. Have you had sex since you stopped? Is it different, or lacking, or more? You don't have to answer that. I'll find out at group I suppose. Anyway, thank you for fulfilling your moral obligation by standing up, unabashedly expressing yourself, and helping others like me. I wish you the best in your journey and continued success in all your endeavors. I'm going to sleep now... Best wishes, David

David, Washington DC ] 9/20/05 Really dug the piece you posted today. Living without drugs and sex as fake fillers in our lives lets us be our true, authentic selves and experience and strive for all that we're intended to be! 45 days is a lot, little buddy! Sure, it's one-eighth of a year, but it's 45 new re-births! And there will be 46, 47, 48, 49..... you fuck up on any of them without stopping to call me, and I'll be kicking your ass with plenty of others.... but we'll also still be there to love you back into recovery, too! Shit! Now you've got me crying at a conference table in the office while a boring training class is on break.... but, hell, the tears remind me that I care about other people, and that I'm not the heartless SOB that I try to front. Back to being authentic, huh?

Nelly, California ] 9/6/05 This is what I know of Chad Upham: Chad is wonderful person. Chad makes people smile. Chad makes life creative with his graphic talent. Chad sees the positive in things we cannot see. Chad evokes questions and demands answers. Chad is loved by many. Life is worth more. I am so proud of you for coming clean. Life is so precious as are you. nelly

Todd ] 9/6/05 Chad – Congrats on your journey. I have been watching your site over the past few weeks and think you have made great strides. I hope you are proud of your success and the impact that you are making. It is interesting as a few years ago I would have had no interest in following your story. I don’t mean that to offend you, but it is frankly the truth. I would never have thought that meth could impact my life. But, unfortunately, it has. My partner of almost 9 years is an addict. Over the past 3 years, he has struggled with his addiction and successfully stayed clean for a year of that time. It took him hitting bottom and pulling me down with him to realize he really had a problem. I was so very proud of him for taking control of his life. It reminded me of why I loved him so much when we first met. He always took action. Unfortunately, he has started using again and has picked up right where he left off. He once again disappears for days, spends hundreds of dollars a week on meth and sex club fees, and covers it all with lies. I go to bed at night wondering if he will be there in the morning and frequently wake up angry and disappointed to find myself sleeping alone. I love the man that I met almost 9 years ago. I promised him that I would be beside him through thick and thin. I always have been. But I am now at a point that I must protect myself. I am scared for him. Hell … I am scared for me! But I know it has to be him that decides that he wants to stop. He has to once again take action. I have to say that I have no idea why I felt compelled to write to you. I guess as cliché as it sounds, I just wanted to talk. Maybe I just had to say that I represent another side of meth abuse. Maybe I had to say it has caused me pain watching it devour someone I love. Maybe I just had to say that Meth has hurt me too. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that the best thing for him is for me to leave. I don’t know. But here I sit giving an insanely abbreviated summary of how Meth has impacted my life. Anyway … I will continue to follow your site and am anxious to see what impact you will be making. Not only in your life but the life of others. Keep strong. Todd

Deane Negrete, CA ] 9/5/05 OMG!! chadly i miss you soo much...i just checked out your page...which i havent done in about a year...Meth!!! wow...well i'm just glad your sober. WE HAVE TO CATCH UP!!...i started to cry a lil when i read your "very special day"...and Congrats to you and JAson!!...it seems you and have had alot of life changing experinces this past year...I love you and fully support you!!

Mark ] 9/4/05 Subject: impressed and grateful before I'm dead Hello Chad, A friend directed me to your website today. I would say more, but I've been up for 2 1/2 days now and am pretty much droned at this point. I'll write more tomorrow when I can remember more words to use. mark

Jessica and Benjy McNaughton, CA ] 8/28/05 Chad, my precious childhood friend, WE LOVE YOU!!!! We are so proud of you and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability! Thank you for keeping us all updated. You are doing the right thing and just know that we are here for you! Don't give up!! You are too gifted and talented - the world needs what you have to offer! We will keep you in our daily prayers. All our love, support, friendship and prayers, Jesica & Benjy

San Francisco, CA ] 8/8/05 Hi Chad, a friend sent me the article about you, and I wanted to wish you luck, I am just starting my third month of being clean from the beast that is Tina, and trust me it does get easier, and although it continues to be a struggle, the alternative is just too awful to consider. I am getting support through a support group and one on one sessions with a cognitive behavior specialist. It is helping a lot. I was doing Tina daily for over a year and even though like you I had not reached rock bottom I realized it had to end. Anytime you are tempted (and boy will you be tempted), to do it again, what I have found helpful besides filling up my evenings and weekends with events and obligations is to just try to play the tape to the end, the continued deterioration mentally and physically, the Monday morning end of the weekend becoming Tuesday morning, the Friday night start becoming Wednesday afternoon, the pink slip, the bounced rent check, the excuses to borrow money from friends, the friendly pat down and arrest by the boys in blue, the phone call to mom for bail money, it will all happen, I have seen it with so many folks out here in San Francisco. Keep working at it, take it a day at a time, and know you are an inspiration, and your public struggle has helped me continue, and you can be sure that others will stop and even more importantly not start because of your bravery. Keep up the fight, and be true and kind to yourself. Thanks, D

Steven Johnson, San Diego, CA ] 8/8/05 Thanks for being who you are and telling your story and truth. Meth is horrible. I've been doing HIV/AIDS work since 89 and I can't believe this fucking drug is ravaging our community like it is. Here is an op-ed I had published in the San Diego Union Tribune on meth and gay men. I can't think of something more important right now than to scream from the rooftops about how horrible meth is to all our friends. hang in there and be good to yourself!

Christopher ] 8/8/05 Chad -- Thanks for taking this discussion into design. I mean that. Design solves problems. Why not this one? I found out I was HIV positive on October 18. 1999, after one particularly exciting/thrilling/lost/rough summer. It took me several more years of fits and starts to stop using Meth completely. And a longterm, supportive relationship. That helped too. I was working on my BFA at the time in the Bay Area. Planning on studying GD, but ended up doing video/film -- it fit more directly what I needed to explore about my seroconversion, about the underbelly of the gay sex in SF. I'm not done exploring necessarily. But I've reached a different plane of understanding. I started with art and let the discussion move from there. As I'm sure you will and are. You've found what you needed in the tools of graphic design. This helps the discussion. People need communication outside of the verbal. Other points of entry into this conversation. Thank you for adding yours. Best, Christopher Petworth, DC nonedesign.net oneninesevenfour.blogspot.com

Jeff ] 8/8/05 Just getting around to reading MW; went to visit your web site. Pretty incredible. Hang in there man! Had a friend I played around with...a lawyer and veterinarian degree both...is now a prostitute to support his drug habit. I greatly applaud what you are doing, first and foremost for yourself to get better, but also for our community that needs to hear this message...good job. More men need to have the balls you have. Jeff

Kevin ] 8/7/05 Hang in there, Chad. Not just today, but every day when you wake up. When the website becomes less interesting to you, and the emails taper off, and life moves on, and you reach a strange transition when the drug is finally out of your system – and the craving for it – but not the deeper longings, the shortcomings of life, the disappointments, the cravings for relief from anxiety and feelings of uncertainty and despair that are part of life. Wait for that day to arrive. That’s the day you will become a man for real – when you hang in there through that, and you make it to the other side. I know you have it in you. You’re already shown yourself to be so brave and unique and determined. Just hang in there. --Kevin Ivers Logan Circle Losing too many friends to Tina.

Anonymous ] 8/6/05 Isn't it time someone put the Gay Communitie's nasty little sister, Tina, front and center?! So many others would like to confront this nasty demon, but are still caught up in the self-destructive routine it creates. Job one for you is not allowing yourself to continue with the same routine that enveloped you before. Stepping outside of your comfortable situation will be the key to conquering your demon. Allowing yourself to continue with that which put you in that situation will only cause relapse. A fresh start is always a great way to gain a new outlook and perspective. And remember - some people will be agitated and upset to see such a blatant response to the crystal crisis. But those are the ones who need that message most of all. Seeing the issue upfront and personal may help them accept responsibility as well. It's time we took our dirty laundry out of the closet. Too many lives have been lost not to. And remember - someone who sells you drugs is not truly your "friend". Much success in your journey, hoping each day only gets brighter. God Bless!

Mom ] 8/5/05 Dear Chad, Have I told you lately that I love you??? I am so glad you've made the good decisions to acknowledge, stop and ask for help. That is so commendable--and that you chose this, as you say, before you hit bottom. You have so much to offer--so many gifts, abilities and talents.... I am eager to see you sometime soon.... love me

Friend, Atlanta ] 8/4/05 Chad, I have been very inspired by your website, stories and newspaper article. Dealing with addiction in the public was a very bold step. But it seems that it is probably the best way for you to overcome your addiction and in the process help others who are dealing with similar circumstances. About 3 years ago, I had knee surgery and I was put on very heavy codeine medication. I took the prescription as the doctor had specified (x pills per x hour). Well, the day I ran out of medicine, I started to shake and cry. I thought that the pain was so overwhelming that I went to the doctor. I was so shocked to find out that I was having withdrawal symptoms and not pain symptoms. The doctor basically said that in two weeks I had become addicted. Since this was the end of the semester, I realized that I couldn't make it through my finals with the drugs. The doctor had to prescribe me vicoden as my "ween-off drug". Imagine that! That was the first time that I felt that I understood (in a very very small way) what it feels like to be addicted. I am much more understanding of people in that circumstance, as I know what it is to wake up in the middle of the night wanting something that was no good for me. I have a calender on my desk that has a bible verse per day. These verses are always inspiring and speak to my heart every day. I thought you would enjoy today's verse as you move into the healing process. "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it". Have a great day!

Friend ] 7/29/05 Hey Chad, After meeting you for that short time a week or so ago I am struck most by the fact that the person sitting in front of me is the person described on this web site. The person I saw was vital, witty and funny. It is difficult to believe that person was under so many negative influences. I commend you in this time of momentous obstacles that you have found the power with in to take charge and say no more! Remember the love and support from the positive people around you, and know that when it is quiet and you are sitting alone and scared that all you need to do is reach out to that love and it will shield you so you once more can gain strength to start back up the "mountain" that you are climbing. I do not have a computer at home so I write from a friends computer, but you can reach out by phone if you find you need to talk. The truth is that society is almost indifferent to a young strong man wasting away in front of it. It is a sign of the times it is sad to say, I think what you have started should be a light of hope for those that do not have the personal strength to start to heal. Learn to redirect the destructive impulses into a positive reaching out for help, for it will take all your soul, and the love of others to reach the top of that "mountain" and see your way clear for the future. Just never forget the drop! All my prayers and best wishes.

Friend ] 7/28/05 Wow....I know you and i have not talked in a really long time but...Im just shocked...I had no idea and believe it or not I know what u mean...yes i have have used crystal before and that is some addicting shit...it never became a problem to me...thank god....Im really happy that u r doing something about because lots of people in this town do it and have a very unsafe and dangerous lifestyle.......MORE POWER TO YOU....I will love to go tonite but i havent seen u in a while it will be weird but Im there in spirit and I will let alll my friends know about it....but i will be there the next time. Good luck and be strong and careful...because everythings gonna be alright.....

Natalie Topa, Coworker ] 7/25/05 Hi there- I'm about to go to bed and read, but I was just thinking of you and your email from today. I guess I'm a little worried about you and hope that you feel you have the support to work this out. I think you're brilliant and I'm sure you know that because I tell you everyday, but your health and emotional well being are at stake here and that's just not cool. I may have come off a little aloof this morning, but I didn't want you to feel judged or that I was shocked. I guess I was surprised, but ofcourse would never judge anyone about such a thing. We each have our struggles and I know that sometimes drugs have a way of sneaking into people's lives and they get lost in the midst of what was once fun and exciting, but turns into a prison (as I puff my cigarette). I think your approach of outreach is fascinating and is the pinnacle of why I respect you. As I mentioned before, Crystal Meth is not something I ever got into and frankly don't know the first thing about it other than it sucks. What really surprised me was your description of its connection to the spread of HIV/AIDS. Not being gay, I can only deduce that living in a society that still ostracizes and villifies homosexuality, it makes it that much easier to dabble in drugs and put oneself at double risk with dangerous substances and unprotected sex. I want this to get worked out, and fear that I won't be as supportive from the bush in Sudan as I would like but will do my best to pray (er...atleast my own form of positive programming) and stay in touch. Keep talking to me about this; I'd really like to hear what serious steps you're embarking on in your journey to real wellbeing (hey- you're the process guy, do a mock-up :)Though I don't want to pressure you, when you sent out your email this morning, you invited a big community of people who care about you to have some ownership over your circumstances and I'm glad that you did. But be prepared that as loved as you are- none of us will let you get away with not going through with a healing process. Your email was like a big wedding- and we witnessed you take your vows to yourself! With lots of love and respect- Natalie (Post 7/26) VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your ideas are golden. You'll surely succeed by following through with your own wacky antics but fail if you follow through on someone else's. Resist the temptation to splurge on what is unhealthy. And THIS was from Yahoo 7/25... Overview: It's time to make a decision about an intimate, private matter. This really is too personal to discuss, so you'll have to rely on nothing but your own judgment. Fortunately, you're not just witty -- you're also wise.

Sue Westrum, Aunt ] 7/25/05 Dear Chad, I was pleased, surprised, and saddened to read your message this morning. I feel pleased and honored that you chose to share the concern of your heart with me. I applaud you for taking this step of openly acknowledging your concerns and the danger you are facing. Yes, I believe that's true - the first step in fixing a problem is acknowledging it. I was surprised to learn that you have been feeling helpless, and am I right to also say, hopeless? Because of the love I feel for you, Chad, I am saddened to learn that you feel helpless and are concerned for your mental, physical and emotional health. I have felt helpless and hopeless at times in my life, and I know the agony of feeling that way. I ache for you. I stand with you. I support you in your effort to redirect the course of your life. You are showing courage and maturity in doing this. I am not familiar with crystal meth or it's effects. I did go on-line this morning via the link you sent so I could be informed. Following the various links I found that help is available. I pray you will be led to help that will be exactly what you need. As you might guess, I know of only one permanent Source of help. I'm concerned too for you, Chad. I feel led to, this morning, begin a 3-5 day liquid only fast. This will bring you and what you are going through to mind often throughout the coming 3-5 days, and I will pray that you will find the help you desire and are seeking. I would be pleased to talk with you about all this, should you desire that. What do you anticipate the outcome of going to 17th Street will be? I'm proud of you for the steps you are taking. In what ways would you like to redirect your life? What help and support would you like from me? Love, hugs, and prayers, Aunt Sue

Ivan Sena, Friend ] 7/25/05 Hi Chad, I am really sorry to hear about your problem. You know for a fact that if I was still living in Alexandria I would be there on the 28th to support you. I hope that it hasn't taken over your whole life. You are a great person with an awsome career future and hope this doesnt let it go to waste. I hope you are willing to work through this. When I was in Providence, the manager of some clubs up there that we kinda became friends was reaching out to the community and making this drug aware in our community, and he express this through his club ads and such. I met both you and AJ at a very pivotal point in my life and I thank both of you imensely for being such good friends to me when I needed the most. I will try to call you later on this week again. A big, tight, warm hug and kiss from me. Ivan

Mary Upham, Mother ] 7/25/05 I first read your email. I have a few more questions myself... Other than knowing that it can be dangerous, I really don't know much about Chrystal Meth. What do you know and what aspects are you personally concerned about? Are there ways in which it has already affected you that are of concern? Is there concern about people at work knowing? Do you think it could adversely affect your position or relationships at work? Can standing on the street with a banner be a problem as far as police are concerned? I don't know and would be concerned if in your desire to find help, or to help others, that you created an unanticipated problem-for yourself or for the others. What help is available to you and what have you sought out? Mom

Joanna Bush, Coworker ] 7/25/05 Dear Chad, I was surprised to read your email, but appreciate you sharing it with me. I'm glad that I am on the list of people that you would share this with, and I will do my best to support you while you fix this problem. I am impressed by the way you are facing this, and I am always here to talk. all the best, Jo.

Roberto Scherma, Friend ] 7/25/05 just wanted to say even though I have never used drugs...I will help you if you need me Roberto Scherma

Zaki, Friend ] 7/25/05 Hi Chad, All morning I've been trying to figure out my response.. I'm still not sure what it is exactly that I feel: sad, disappointed, angry, somewhere in between!! I also keep thinking how this might have affected me.. I don't know, there is also a tad bit of indifference.. Anyway, the focus in on you now, as you deal with this.. So now that you acknowledge using CrystalMeth, what are you going to do about it? Are you getting help? Do you have a support group? Are you being supported at work? I hope the answer is yes to all of these... Well, I hope you would be able to clean up, and stop abusing the stuff. Indeed let me know how I could personally help you.. Hugs, Zaki

Jason Mangan, Former Partner ] 7/25/05 Bravo Chad. Yours In Unconditional Love, Jason

Mary Upham, Mother ] 7/25/05 Dear Chad, I just got home from work and read your email. I certainly want to listen to you and to talk as you would like. I am not sure how I can be of the most help, so would appreciate dialoguing even about that. I hear your concern about your mental, emotional and physical health and understand you feel helpless, and desire to redirect your life. How can this mother who loves you very much, be the most help to you? I will do anything I can--starting with loving, caring, listening, praying and dialoging as you wish. I would still love to get together with you sometime soon--so let me know how that sounds to you, I love you a ton, mom

Jennifer Baxter, Coworker ] 7/25/05 Chad, Thank you for sending this to me...my initial thought was shock, my second thought was heartbreak, my third thought was respect. The first step to a better well being is understanding and acknowledging your fears. This is a great time to turn inward and reflect on who and what Chad is and wants out of his once in a lifetime - Life! What are you covering up? what is hurting you? what are you trying to gain? who are you trying to be? prove? convince? What place in life, in this world, society are you trying to fill? Do you feel incomplete? what is making you feel that way? Why do you feel helpless? Is this a feeling that someone has put on you or is it coming from within? where a long the way did you start feeling this? What was a turning point/good and bad? What makes you feel good? What makes you feel accomplished? what do you love? who do you love? what about yourself do you love? what do you want to work on? What "quirkiness" about yourself do you embrace and love for all that it is? What have you gained in the past year? what have you learned about your self for the best? what talents do you have? Are you exploiting and using your "Best" for all that it can be? Do you surround yourself with those that make you feel good? Do you surround yourself with thoughts that make you feel good?...These are just some questions to start your journey. I am always here to talk to and listen. I support you 100 percent. Please let me know what else I can do. Your friend, JEN :)