My Cherry Afterhours Party
Tonight, after watching SNL, I went to my favorite porn site to find a little visual stimulus before going to bed (who doesn't, right?). A big banner across the top was advertising a new pay site with photos that looked really intriguing.. shirtless guys dancing then going to hotel rooms to fuck (if not fucking right there at the club). I followed the link thinking "I'm just looking right..." The front page read:
WELCOME TO _.COM ::: A TOTALLY EXCLUSIVE GAY SEX LIFESTYLE SITE _.Com is an exclusive gay site dedicated to showcasing the gay party lifestyle. Follow us around the world to some of the best gay parties and see how we do it! Join us in our celebration of just being yourself and enjoying life. The best part is our members can meet other members to hook up at the hottest night clubs around. Plus as a member you can find out where all our parties are and join us for the fun! Check out some sample parties below in our free previews and when you're ready for more join today.
Still finding this innocent enough, I clicked to view a free trailer video. The music started pumping, the lights started flashing. The titles flashing across the screen said "this is our time. this is our life".
I gulped.
Then cut to two guys getting naked in a hotel room, and fucking.
It was when I heard them talking that I clicked the window shut and decided that "this site is not for me!"
Their vocalizations were not drunken vocalizations. They weren't porn vocalizations. They were crystal meth vocalizations. Maybe with a bit of "G" thrown in. If you know what I'm talking about you'll understand.
With the web site closed, I went back to some more innocent photos to finish the deed. Pardon my honesty, I'm human. When it was over, I turned off the light and climbed under the covers.
My heart wouldn't stop pounding. It still hasn't.
I'm not sure I can describe how I feel. Sure a little of it might be jealousy or "that would be fun." But very little. Most of it is just plain sadness. Sadness that THAT is what it means to be gay. Sadness that THAT is what has occupied and will occupy and consume the lives of so many men for generations to come.
I wouldn't be where I am today without my party experiences. The ecstasy days. The running around in circles at bathhouses for hours. The months of my life spent in chatrooms looking for, what... the next thrill.
Now, almost nine months out, it just makes me sad.
It's not that sex is bad. It's not that fun is bad. It's not that drinking and drugs are bad. It's the insatiability (some are proud to be called that).
Tonight I went to a CMA meeting. I chatted with some guys in the rain after the meeting, then I got on the metro for my hour long ride home. I walked the remaining distance to my home in the rain. I watched VH1. I did some reading for school. I watched SNL.
I was lonely tonight.
Last year this time, IF I came home at 10:00pm, I would be online looking for a hook-up. Looking for a sex party. Looking for a hot guy. I wouldn't have stopped to say "hey, I am lonely tonight... tomorrow maybe I won't be lonely, but if I am that's ok because I have a great life."
I have a "love of my life". He and I cannot be partners right now because he is still looking. I want to yell at him and say CAN YOU BE DONE YET, SO THAT WE CAN LOVE EACH OTHER WITHOUT 50 OTHER GUYS BETWEEN US!
I want to yell at all these guys and say "ARE YOU DONE YET???"
Laying in my bed, heart pounding, I acknowledged that there is nothing I can do to cause anyone else to be over it.
Sex is great. Wild endless fucking sex with dozens of hot guys is GREAT. SEX with a different guy each day is GREAT. Good for US. "this is our time. this is our life".
The only thing that I can do today is just be myself and enjoy life... without crystal meth. And if that inspires someone GREAT.
I'll get off my not-so-high horse now and go to bed.