Portrait by Marie Claire Andrea ] 12/31/05
The word "wholeness" has been in my head today. It is how I feel today. So I have been thinking about what this feeling is.
My definition:
Wholeness is the personal capacity to give love to others. It comes from personal satisfaction, contentment, confidence, and purpose.
I feel this markedly on January 1st, having had the clarity to observe myself on New Years Eve, a night of high expectations for many.
I attended a sober dance with about 60 new friends whom I have come to know since July. Before the dance, I had a great workout at the gym with my friend Eric, then ate dinner and rested. I dressed in my "One Day at a Time" sharpie shirt, to wear proudly at the dance.
And dance I did.
From 10 pm until 1:30 am, I danced, thanks to a great DJ, and friends who let loose unaided by alcohol or drugs.
Remember, we are the partiers. We have years of crazy, lost, drunk party experiences. One of the people who I had the most fun dancing with was a man who recently celebrated 15 years without drugs and alcohol. The difference, though, is that while the dancing was intimate, it was not lustful. It came from personal confidence and satisfaction on both of our parts.
What crystal meth fueled so effectively is the opposite: obsessive searching for fulfillment through sexual connection with strangers. The search was endless. It could continue for days or weeks.
Now, over five months since my last crystal meth party weekend, having made many drastic lifestyle changes, I feel great.
I am not saying that I don't have obsessions. But I can see them and accept them, and work past them.
I came up with this analogy the other day:
every period of loneliness that I embrace, every day that I simply go home and go to sleep, every drink I decline, every drug I don't seek out, every day that I view people with care rather than obsession, is like putting down another layer of bricks— building on the foundation of self.
Since waking up this morning, I have had the clarity to be available for six people—to communicate with, to encourage, to care for. This was even greater on Christmas, when I was in communication with over 25 people through phone or text messages.
It feels great to connect with other people. Sex is one way to do that, but it is not the only way.
While taking pictures of myself yesterday in Dupont Circle, a woman named Marie Claire approached me offering her tripod. I usually just set my camera on a backpack or a bench or a trash can. I showed her my "Crystal Free" shirt, and told her why I was taking pictures of myself. She asked if she could take my picture with her camera. Then she asked me to take some pictures of her. The afternoon light was perfect. We chatted for a few minutes, then I came home to prepare for my New Years party. Today she e-mailed me some of the photos. The one at the top of this page was taken by her.
Marie Claire by Chad ] 12/31/05
This was a fulfilling personal connection. Perhaps a starting of a friendship or just a brief moment of personal enrichment and creative colaboration.
These moments, these interactions with other souls make life rich.
I look forward to many more in 2006.
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