Half Way to Nowhere ] 9/20/05
Just last week I discovered a new word. Doppio. I had never known this word before... but I like it!
So, here I am 45 days along on my way to 90 days clean and sober. It makes the 90 look so insignificant. I mean, so I gave up alcohol for 90 days. I guess I intend to give up crystal meth forever.
Sometimes I can smell it. Like tonight, I was walking, and I could smell that sweet, styrofoam smell. I find myself sniffing harder, to really know for sure. To find where it is coming from. I can't tell if it is in my clothes, in the air, or in my head.
So 45 days without alcohol. Almost two months without anal sex (a new world record). No poppers, no ecstacy, no marijuana, no cocaine. Not bad. Clean, Sober and Safe, I guess.
I am beginning to see that the crystal meth didn't just happen. I had set myself up for it for years. The recreational drug use. The occasional drunken unprotected sex. The sex clubs. The monthly pass to the bathhouse. The hours and hours of wasting time in chatrooms. The exhausted hungry dissatisfaction.
But I'm not just some freak. I know I am not alone in this.
So why glass half full? Well someone wrote me on my birthday saying he wished that I was smiling in my birthday photo. I had consciously decided to make that picture appear unrosy, because life is not all rainbows and kittens. 45 days without sex, drugs, and alcohol is a major change in behavior for me. It is a drastic change! Let alone not going on Manhunt, not going to bars or clubs, not going to bathhouses. I get lonely. I get tired of being the good, proactive inspirational person. I get tired of being responsible. Changing my life is no picnic.
So why glass half full? I forget. The longer I get away from what I had to make all the changes for, the more I forget why it was so urgent. Why the banners? Why the e-mails? Why the meetings?
Then you remind me. You e-mail me after days of unfulfilling, brainless searching, sharing zombie-like physical contact with unattractive, undesireable, uninspired zombies. You tell me you have been trying to stop for years. But something takes you back. It's something to do. It kills time. It promises satisfaction. Maybe the next guy to walk in the door and suck my cock will make me happy.
So why glass half full? Because I have broken the cycle. I have escaped. I have seen a glimpse of the satisfaction that comes with not looking for satisfaction. My connections with you have been more fulfilling, more meaningful, more special, more sincere, more long-lasting than with almost all of those 400, 500, 600 guys? (conservative figures)
Glass half full is a choice. It is an attitude. Am I going to complain about all the fun I'm not having? Or am I going to thrive in the freedom of my life, imperfect as it is? Being crystal free has freed me to do what I love. And I am doing it. I am doing it so much that I'm exhausted. So I'll make some adjustments and keep going.
Two more things:
One. You don't have to become HIV positive to decide enough is enough. Get out NOW! You get out by putting yourself in other peoples hands. You can't do it alone. We have become so appathetic about HIV. As far as I know, I am still negative. That is nothing but glass half full shit right there, pure luck.
Two. I am starting to get preachy. It's because I forget what it feels like to be right there. I forget what you need to hear right now. I think I know it, but I don't. Everything I have to say is bullshit. All I'm trying to do is show you that I care and that I want to help you in any way I can. Between you and me, we got a full glass.
Take that to the bank.
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