Her name was "Mimosa" ] 9/16/05
Last night my company had a big party. I have been working for months to help with the planning, promotion, and posters around the office. The party conveniently fell on my 40th day without alcohol.
I was raised in a Christian home where we studied the Bible non-stop. It seems more than coincidental to me that 40 is a very significant number in Biblical Numerology. Here is a brief summary:
Biblical numerology is the study of numbers in the Bible. Two of the most commonly repeated numbers in the Bible are 7 and 40. The number 7 signifies completion or perfection (Genesis 7:2-4; Revelation 1:20). It is often called “God’s number” since He is the only One who is perfect and complete (Revelation 4:5; 5:1, 5-6). 40 is often understood as the “number of probation or trial.” For example: the Israelites wandered for 40 years (Deuteronomy 8:2-5); Moses was on the mount for 40 days (Exodus 24:18); 40 days were involved in the story of Jonah and Nineveh (Jonah 3:4); Jesus was tempted for 40 days (Matthew 4:2); there were 40 days between Jesus’ resurrection and ascension (Acts 1:3). source
This, honestly, is the first time that drinking has been tempting for me in these 40 days. Every once in a while, I might think.. 'oh a beer might taste good', but it hasn't been sitting right there, looking so pretty, until last night.
So what's the big deal. It's just alcohol.
That's what I said too.
But I have made a committment to myself for ninety days until November 7th. No alchohol because a few drinks now may lead to more than a few drinks later, which can lead to me making a bad decision, for instance being offered a bump of tina in the bathroom at a bar, or being drunk and lonely late at night, and wanting to get off, so I find a PNP party online.
There were moments last night when I saw a big number zero in the Updates column of my web page. 9/16/05, 0 Days Clean / Sober.
I really don't mind. It's just a number.
As the night got later, I saw many of my coworkers sloshed. It was amusing at first, then sad, then annoying. I felt very left out when they celebrated with shots of 30 year old scotch. A glass was passed my direction. I had to say no. That is embarrassing.
At the same time, my company has supported me in my recovery. Many of my co-workers came out to 17th street. My boss knows my situation. And my abstinence in front of them shows my dedication to helping myself. This whole crystal meth thing isn't just a phase that will pass in a few weeks or months.
I will have a big decision to make on November 7th. I want to live in balance, to enjoy life, to celebrate great moments with friends, family and coworkers. But if I spin out on crystal meth, I won't have any of those things to celebrate.
You. You are the reason I didn't reach for one (or more) of those pretty drinks. I knew that you would be here today. Watching me. It's the trap I have set for myself.
Thank you, I guess.
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