Debunking Brand EGO ] 8/10/05I am aware of the conflict of interest present in this dual public/private journey.
My Ego is grabbing up the attention created through this successful compaign to stir up the community. I get 5-10 e-mails a day patting me on the back, telling me how amazing, courageous, and brave I am.
If you have dug around the rest of my website (get inside my head) you have seen my process, my motivation, my tools; they are all there. "Planning, Presentation, Artistry, where these elements come together, I thrive." I am a performer. I crave attention.
For years in my childhood I put on shows in our family room to entertain myself. For years my only audience was the family dog. With practice I have learned the skills needed to manipulate an audience, to feed curiosity, to create a sensation. "I am the great and powerful Wizard of OZ. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." Fire Fire, Smoke Smoke.
At 3 am on July 25th, high on crystal meth, I began to conceive a plan: a brand called "Let's Talk" -- Let's Talk about Crystal Meth. By 8 am the first responses began trickling in and I said to myself (still high) "This is going to be big."
So, 17 days later, my photo has been in a magazine, my website has been visited by hundreds across the country. And people are talking about me. I am a genius. Who needs drugs when you can ride the high of "Brand EGO"? This has been a dream come true.
So now what? T-shirts? Stickers? Articles? Speaking Tours?
Yesterday, I went out and bought a calendar because, in two weeks, I have become so busy I can't keep track of my committments.
Finally, I have an audience at my show. And they are rivited. Why? Because I was honest. I said "I use crystal meth" and they were astonished. I told them "I have sex with lots of people" and they were horrified. I told them "I'm not going to drink alcohol for 90 days" and they were skeptical. "Good Luck!" "More Power To You" "Bravo!"
Shall I act humble and say "gee thanks, I'm hanging in there"?
Shall I stick out my chest and soak up the attention?
In all this, I close my eyes and see where I was on July 24th. I see the face of my host and companions. I taste the smoke of tina in my lungs. I feel the rush of euphoria from head to toe. And the unending desire for more.
Brand EGO is just as addicting. The unpredictability is just as thrilling. The toll on work and finances is, potentially, just as disastrous.
My father destroyed his marriage, the family savings, and my relationship with him on just such a campaign... a campaign of self absorbtion. Self righteousness. Feeding his addiction to justify the genius in his mind while alienating all those who threatened his superiority.
Two weeks ago I made a public admission: I use crystal meth.
Today I make another: I love attention and reinforcement, and I use manipulation to get it.
There, Chad, you have exposed yourself again.
I know I am not alone in this.
Just as the high of tina won't last forever, the high of ego will always demand more.
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I have begun the dig. The dig to the core of self.
The first e-mail reply on July 25 was a digging e-mail... But I already know the answers. I already know why I am fucked up. I already know that I fear that maybe I'm not really gay, and that my dad was right all along. I already know that I felt a thrill when that male babysitter played a "game" with me. I already know that I had an erection as a 6 year old watching a movie with full frontal male nudity. I already know that we all have a "God-shaped void in our hearts" (thank you Campus Crusade for Christ). I already know that "there is no spoon" (thank you Keanu).
I knew all that before I broadcast my cry for help.
I know that my mom will love me no matter what. I know that my boss won't fire me. I know that people will talk when I wear a sticker that says "Let's Talk."
What don't I know?
I don't know how to be anything other than who I am, doing the best I can with what I've got, when I've got it, with what I know, when I know it.
I'm not done yet. And that's pretty damn exciting. And worth living for. Sober or Not, High or Not, Healthy or Not.
And God Bless Starbucks, Crystal Meth, Ecstacy, Marijuana, Alcohol, Air, and Water for making it all possible.
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Just this week I have been accepted into an MBA program in "Sustainability Management".
Sustainability is "the ability for something to be sustained, prolonged, regenerated." (my definition)
Meth use is not a matter of right or wrong. It is a matter of sustainability. The brain on meth is degenerated, broken down, disabled, destroyed. The body on crystal meth is drained of nourishment. In combination with sex, the already weakened body is exposed to organisms (std's) which proliferate and shut down or overtake natural healing functions.
We all die. We can all die at any minute, for any reason. I do not fear death. But I also have goals in life.
I want to be a lead designer for the 2012 Olympic Games in London (a world stage for my design). I want to direct my career to make that happen.
And, I want to live on Mars by the year 2027. (Get the straight jacket, Chad's getting a little looney). I want to be one of the brave, risk taking pioneers who spreads our diseased species to conquer another planet. I decided this in 2002 when I was 25, a quarter of a century old. By age 50, this will be my reality because I will make it happen.
To live until age 50 I have to do everything I can to stay healthy. That is why I can't use tina. That is why I shouldn't put my health at risk, because I want to reach my 25 year goal.
What is your 5 year goal? What is your 10 year goal? What is your 25 year goal? What are you going to do today to make sure you can achieve that goal?
If you don't have goals, use crystal meth. It's a lot of fun.
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