The Shock of Re-Entry ] 8/8/05 I have had to confront my insanity. Insanity might also be called normalcy. Having reached 15 days, I have broken what was becoming a cycle of partying every other weekend. This has not been without much anxiety. Before, I never had to think about how to cope (let alone express it to anyone); I just did what I wanted. By resisting what had become normal behavior, I feel the contrast much more. By coping, I mean that weekends had been all mine. I was responsible to no one. I had worked hard all week and I, really, had nothing to do between 5pm Friday and 9 am Monday morning. So I got online, found partners, and played to reward myself for being a good person; proving my independence by getting lost where no one could find me; riding the thrill of the unknown. This is the top level of reasoning. There are more layers to dig through. To break the cycle, I had to plan things, I had to have places to be and people to check in with to keep myself from boredom. I also have to confront a new outlook on sex and relationships. While partying, I could walk through a door, be naked, and engaged in unprotected sex with a stranger in less than five minutes. This was my normal. This is also crazy, not to mention unhealthy. Reprogramming my normal will take time. There is a desperate cry in my head that doesn't want to change, that fears becoming boring, unfun, conservative, traditional, lame. At the same time, I feel new value. I am seeing doctors to take care of my neglected body. I am maintaining a gym routine. I am building new relationships. And I can talk. I can talk honestly with anyone. They may be shocked, but I don't care; it's good for all of us to talk about shit like this. Back